is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
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