I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
