you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
