If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
