im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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