He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize