Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
