Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Randomize