I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
