Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
