Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Randomize
