I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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