i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
