It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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