Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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