just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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