I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
