Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
