Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
