my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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