So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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