My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
