i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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