tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
