I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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