I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
