twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
