remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
