Plan B is the new Plan A
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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