Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
