Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
