I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
