if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
