I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
