She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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