I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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