You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize