I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
