We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
