Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
