bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
