I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
