i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We just shotgunned beers for America
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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