Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
honey bunches of taint.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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