I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
