you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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