I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
