I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
