how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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