I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize