But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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