Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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