I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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