I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
