Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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