peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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