As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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