Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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