I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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