Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize