I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
