WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Where is the hickey?
my phone needs a breathalizer
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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