is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I would ride that face into the sunset
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
