Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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