The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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