i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Randomize
