Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
