Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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