there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
