I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
