I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
