At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Less talking, more tequila
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
