If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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