I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize