i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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