Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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