he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
