I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
