we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
