My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
