So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Houston, we have a squirter
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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